Friday, February 17, 2006
New Orleans Apologizes
Breaking News. New Orleans has apologized to President Bush and Vice President Cheney for being located in a hurricane zone and for being built below sea level. According to senior White House officials, both the President and Vice President have accepted the city’s apology, noting that the lack of an apology has troubled and saddened both men. The President is quoted as saying, “Both Dick and I firmly believe in taking responsibility for one’s actions—we like to call it the culture of responsibility—and are gladdened that New Orleans has finally taken responsibility for being built in a hurricane zone and for being built below sea level.” There are also unconfirmed reports that Mother Nature herself is scheduled to appear on a number of Sunday morning news shows and is expected to apologize for such an active and deadly Atlantic hurricane season. Mississippi is also considering whether to offer up an apology for the whole state or just for the Gulf Coast area.
Update: Unnamed senior White House officials have stated that work is underway on a web-based system to allow individual residents of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast to offer up their apologies for living in a hurricane zone and stating that they are taking full personal responsibility for choosing to live in the Gulf Coast region. Apparently, residents will sign a Culture of Personal Responsibility pledge. It is unclear whether those residents who evacuated to the Superdome or to the New Orleans Convention Center will be allowed to apologize, so great was the embarrassment they caused to the President and Vice President. An unnamed aide is quoted as saying, “those folks may be required to perform some kind of national service or have their voting privileges permanently revoked” before the President will consider whether they will be allowed to apologize for their obscene lack of personal responsibility.” The aide added that exile for those residents is being considered as an option. The aide also added that Halliburton has put forward a plan to use these exiles as labor at it various overseas operations, as long as the company receives payment in advance for doing so. A Halliburton spokesman refused to comment on the record, but did indicate that the company will be handling the work on the web-based apology system.
Update 2: According to unnamed senior White House aides, there is a plan for a Culture of Personal Responsibility Commission where those voters who failed to vote for George Bush and Dick Cheney in either 2000 or 2004 will be able to apologize for their actions. Senior aides have said that the President is deeply offended that large numbers (nearly half) of American voters did not vote for him in 2000 or 2004. Some aspects of the Commission may include the signing of loyalty oaths to the President and the Vice President. Aides working on the plan say they are also looking at various designs for Presidential and Vice Presidential Rings that will be placed on replicas of President’s and Vice President’s hands. According to documents obtained by CRANKed, those voters wishing to apologize to the President and Vice President will be required to kiss these rings. For an appropriate donation to the George W. Bush Presidential Library and/or the Bush/Cheney 2008 campaign, voters will be allowed to kiss the Presidential and Vice Presidential rings in person and offer their most solemn apologies to both men in person. While it is unclear who will produce the rings and replica hands, some aides have hinted that the job will go to Halliburton based on language in a no-bid contract dating back to October 28, 2000 signed by Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney. The same aides dismissed any suggestion that the contract was not valid as the President had not yet been appointed by the Supreme Court.
Breaking News. New Orleans has apologized to President Bush and Vice President Cheney for being located in a hurricane zone and for being built below sea level. According to senior White House officials, both the President and Vice President have accepted the city’s apology, noting that the lack of an apology has troubled and saddened both men. The President is quoted as saying, “Both Dick and I firmly believe in taking responsibility for one’s actions—we like to call it the culture of responsibility—and are gladdened that New Orleans has finally taken responsibility for being built in a hurricane zone and for being built below sea level.” There are also unconfirmed reports that Mother Nature herself is scheduled to appear on a number of Sunday morning news shows and is expected to apologize for such an active and deadly Atlantic hurricane season. Mississippi is also considering whether to offer up an apology for the whole state or just for the Gulf Coast area.
Update: Unnamed senior White House officials have stated that work is underway on a web-based system to allow individual residents of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast to offer up their apologies for living in a hurricane zone and stating that they are taking full personal responsibility for choosing to live in the Gulf Coast region. Apparently, residents will sign a Culture of Personal Responsibility pledge. It is unclear whether those residents who evacuated to the Superdome or to the New Orleans Convention Center will be allowed to apologize, so great was the embarrassment they caused to the President and Vice President. An unnamed aide is quoted as saying, “those folks may be required to perform some kind of national service or have their voting privileges permanently revoked” before the President will consider whether they will be allowed to apologize for their obscene lack of personal responsibility.” The aide added that exile for those residents is being considered as an option. The aide also added that Halliburton has put forward a plan to use these exiles as labor at it various overseas operations, as long as the company receives payment in advance for doing so. A Halliburton spokesman refused to comment on the record, but did indicate that the company will be handling the work on the web-based apology system.
Update 2: According to unnamed senior White House aides, there is a plan for a Culture of Personal Responsibility Commission where those voters who failed to vote for George Bush and Dick Cheney in either 2000 or 2004 will be able to apologize for their actions. Senior aides have said that the President is deeply offended that large numbers (nearly half) of American voters did not vote for him in 2000 or 2004. Some aspects of the Commission may include the signing of loyalty oaths to the President and the Vice President. Aides working on the plan say they are also looking at various designs for Presidential and Vice Presidential Rings that will be placed on replicas of President’s and Vice President’s hands. According to documents obtained by CRANKed, those voters wishing to apologize to the President and Vice President will be required to kiss these rings. For an appropriate donation to the George W. Bush Presidential Library and/or the Bush/Cheney 2008 campaign, voters will be allowed to kiss the Presidential and Vice Presidential rings in person and offer their most solemn apologies to both men in person. While it is unclear who will produce the rings and replica hands, some aides have hinted that the job will go to Halliburton based on language in a no-bid contract dating back to October 28, 2000 signed by Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney. The same aides dismissed any suggestion that the contract was not valid as the President had not yet been appointed by the Supreme Court.